I Hate this Melancholia

Music is one of my top loves as far as earthly things go, that is, on this planet. It actually maybe at the top, but that can depend on my mood.

I hate that I can never be really happy or excited about things, because I know as soon as my over the top empathy kicks in, or something touches me so deeply with my emotions- Today I am referring to music-that I am in a pit again.I started my day pretty perky and yesterday was great. I felt like listening to a certain song, One of my favorite singer’s “so long ago songs” and then listened to one of his newer songs and it got me into crying as the melancholy descended with it’s doldrums.

Suffice it to say, I had to quit listening to him today because, I just wanted to cry. Music is deep to me and when something hits me with it, my heart can break.

Bipolar is no fun, though there is some wonderful fallout it gives. One, being a love of creativity and art, including music. Would be great if the one pole would not push me to cry like this though a couple times a month. Sigh……..

Yesterday

 

Today

 

#whyistayed #whyileft-Found on another blog-My Melancholia

#whyistayed #whyileft.  This author says the reason for staying with an abuser so well, I am borrowing it here.

I added a bit to the title and hope she will not mind. I give her all the credit. Please stop & visit  her blog. It is very honest and heartfelt.

I am sharing this for several reasons:

1. It is good to know you are not alone in such circumstances whether still there or having left.
2. It may be the incentive and encouragement you need either way to get out or keep on. ( I know I have wanted to give in and even give up after I finally did get out.)
3. I want to enlighten some folks that ” just have never been there and flippantly say -hurt-fully -even  in meaning well-“Why didn’t she just leave?”  This lead me to :
4. This is about the 8th time I have left. It is the 2nd time I finally was able to get more than just a room at a shelter. I am finally ready to really “make it work” this time.  It is so hard to get help. It took me 10 months to get a small apartment. I was at a shelter and was told to leave for 6 months;I had to live for 3 more months with the abuser and I am so thankful the place opened up since I almost wanted to just live in my car when I tried to call and get back into the shelter and they would not let me. This was not because of anything wrong I had done, but because I was too costly with my meds. I could not work because I was trying to get disability and my meds were $200 a month. I tried to get Medicaid, but Missouri is a bad place to do that and they messed with me. I am now waiting on them where I am for it again.
5. I also am sharing this because I wish to let you a bit more in on my life. I struggle with mental stuff. I am a very strong person, but depression from bipolar is a fight I have about 60% of days. I can also have extreme anxiety and just a little wrong thing happening on days I have either can make me want to roll up and hide in a cocoon for hours. I am strong because I really never do this. do not be down o yourself if you do do that. (We all have different temperaments and strengths.)
6. I said #5 above to lead into # 6 : I really believe that if I had been married to a real gentlemen with a give and take relationship. More as a team and having mercy, grace and love for each others nuances and interests with working together, my mental stuff would have been very minor compared to how it developed with a furious and angry man I lived under.

Now, you may not know what I am really talking about if you do not read her post also.  http://chasingdestino.com/2014/09/10/whyistayed-whyileft/ So here is the link again.