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  • blueribbonfair 8:16 pm on June 16, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , depression, , , locked, locked in, regrets, spilled milk, ,   

    Locked in…..Regrets 

    145H

     

    “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.”-Kurt Vonnegut  via Good Reads

     

    Lately, I am regretting so much of my life.

    ” I never ever thought this could happen to me.”

    That being the awesome and full of potential individual I am that I would reach a certain age and look back on what appears to be a ” wasted life.”

    This is a long story and even with the ” air” running, my trailer is hot and so stifling I doubt if I can tell it all in one sitting.

    But with the way I have been feeling the last couple weeks, I figured the Word Press Daily prompt here :  Word Press Daily Writing Prompt, fit so aptly with all the regrets that are haunting me so I cannot breathe- even though I try to be positive-I thought like journaling, putting them out here on my blog as the notebook page would be a way to vent and gain control of the melancholia which has me in its grasp.

     

    As I said, it is quite a long story. I want to get it going because of the prompt for today. But the heat will have me fleeing to the coolest room in the house soon.

    Anyway, though I would love to do a very long post and cover all of my disappointments right now, I think I am going to make this a series. I really would like to have these posts on a schedule, but my shifting sand life with all the extraneous circumstances make it extremely hard to have any schedule at all. That coupled with my anxiety, depression and extreme  sensitivity which makes me even hide from people, and even as crazy as it seems  also interactions on the internet.

    I really like blogging photography and short posts because I always have so much going on. I am amazed by bloggers I follow and individual blog posts I discover, how some people either type so well, unlike me or have the time to post long written out articles like this one all the time. (* I have been on Word  Press today visiting blogs I follow, following up on my visitors, like and comments as well as finding prior unknown blogs that have encouraged me, awed me with beauty and expanded my horizons making me thankful.

    I actually prepared a couple photos today for photo challenges I follow, which are my favorite blogs to do. They are fun and happy to do. I love photography and have learned a lot, becoming better at it-In spite of just using a cell phone- as well as playing around on photo editing spots. (Cell phone camera fits in with my “regrets”….More on that in another post.( Let’s start from birth with this sad journey.) I warn you, though, the worst of the saga comes much further on.

    It is said, ” Do not cry over spilled milk.” Which is great but what if it is not only a glass or gallon but a trough -full that drowns those in its path? And the years have passed and blurred so fast, you were never able to clean  any of it up and it has soaked in and ruined the ground you are standing on.

    I was told I always have a choice in everything. At the time, I agreed with this counselor. But then, I thought, “Do most of  those victims in the right place at the wrong time choose to be tortured, held against their will and raped chose that to happen in their lives?” Not all of life is in our control.

    I said the latter to draw the conclusion that many things I umbrella under the “regret” theme I had nothing to do with, nothing I could have prevented. The main regret, though, that led to much fallout was even though, I was young and ignorant/ naive of so much in life. One major bad decision………

    So let us start at the beginning. Circumstances beyond my control, no choice in the matter…. I was adopted ( My parents were wonderful and that is not the issue.) I was adopted because my mother was only 17, I do not even know if my biological dad knows I exist. And there are things that effect you in the womb I did not know then and actually back then no one knew much either.  It is being discovered how  pre-birth connections have a major effect on the baby.  To be continued……………….

     

    blog francine10441098_10152173004492852_5794979820945342464_n

     

     

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    • lisadorenfest 9:48 pm on June 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You write beautifully. I am very saddened to hear that you are struggling with regret, depression, and anxiety.

    • Shauna 4:04 am on June 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      😦

      I hope writing this down will help a bit with your depression and anxiety! *hugs*

      • blueribbonfair 10:48 pm on June 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I thought I had replied to you, but I do not know where it went. So if I replied elsewhere just note, my mind is gone. Just in case, either way, thank you.

    • Jean Reinhardt 10:22 pm on June 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I also find it difficult to write a long post, so I really appreciate the effort you put into this one. It’s very well written and I love that meme at the end. Hugs xx

    • Miriam 10:52 pm on June 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I tend to write in short spurts too. I hope that writing helps you … and I’m really sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Know that you’re not alone.

    • DebtGirl 6:28 pm on July 12, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Regrets suck, I have them too, the what ifs! I am sorry they are weighing heavy on you. It will and can only get better! Xoxo

    • blueribbonfair 7:09 pm on July 12, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the encouragement and your comment.

    • calmkate 10:56 pm on July 16, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Well written and the meme at the end clearly demonstrates that you have a strong SOH! I guess there are very few of us that have not experienced some kind of depravation at the hands of another … we can’t control or change that, it does shape us but doesn’t define us … how we use that ‘lesson’ to grow is up to us?

    • ANM7 6:42 pm on August 22, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      It’s just me of course, but I generally have a practice relative to regret: I rebuke it and send it back to the pit it came from.
      Self-importance is what my psyche seeks with indulging in regret. Yes, I could’ve dis and dat, humph. Yeah right, given the circumstances, time, my mental state, period and etc., I would have just done a different variable of “Waste” is all. Be careful with regret, it wants to freeze you in time. Stop, enjoy the present moment and give thanks for that. It’s just another version of “The grass is greener…” You will be fine.

  • blueribbonfair 7:54 pm on October 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: computer, , computer woes, depressed, depression, digital music, , , library computer, ,   

    Trouble with computer woes. This time I am taking it in to a pro. Only an hour to do everything on it makes me unhappy. lol Best I can do post today. LOL!

    I can at least listen to music in my digital player which keeps me sane with no computer.

    I can at least listen to music in my digital player which keeps me sane with no computer.

     
  • blueribbonfair 6:20 pm on April 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , depression, , mental anquish, , music in colors, ,   

    I Hate this Melancholia 

    Music is one of my top loves as far as earthly things go, that is, on this planet. It actually maybe at the top, but that can depend on my mood.

    I hate that I can never be really happy or excited about things, because I know as soon as my over the top empathy kicks in, or something touches me so deeply with my emotions- Today I am referring to music-that I am in a pit again.I started my day pretty perky and yesterday was great. I felt like listening to a certain song, One of my favorite singer’s “so long ago songs” and then listened to one of his newer songs and it got me into crying as the melancholy descended with it’s doldrums.

    Suffice it to say, I had to quit listening to him today because, I just wanted to cry. Music is deep to me and when something hits me with it, my heart can break.

    Bipolar is no fun, though there is some wonderful fallout it gives. One, being a love of creativity and art, including music. Would be great if the one pole would not push me to cry like this though a couple times a month. Sigh……..

    Music_by_trofe

    Yesterday

    Yesterday

     

    Music_by_chaotic_insanity

    Today

     

     
  • blueribbonfair 7:02 pm on September 10, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: abuse and relationship to depression, abusive relationships, , chasing destino, depression, , , , , neglect   

    #whyistayed #whyileft-Found on another blog-My Melancholia 

    #whyistayed #whyileft.  This author says the reason for staying with an abuser so well, I am borrowing it here.

    I added a bit to the title and hope she will not mind. I give her all the credit. Please stop & visit  her blog. It is very honest and heartfelt.

    I am sharing this for several reasons:

    1. It is good to know you are not alone in such circumstances whether still there or having left.
    2. It may be the incentive and encouragement you need either way to get out or keep on. ( I know I have wanted to give in and even give up after I finally did get out.)
    3. I want to enlighten some folks that ” just have never been there and flippantly say -hurt-fully -even  in meaning well-“Why didn’t she just leave?”  This lead me to :
    4. This is about the 8th time I have left. It is the 2nd time I finally was able to get more than just a room at a shelter. I am finally ready to really “make it work” this time.  It is so hard to get help. It took me 10 months to get a small apartment. I was at a shelter and was told to leave for 6 months;I had to live for 3 more months with the abuser and I am so thankful the place opened up since I almost wanted to just live in my car when I tried to call and get back into the shelter and they would not let me. This was not because of anything wrong I had done, but because I was too costly with my meds. I could not work because I was trying to get disability and my meds were $200 a month. I tried to get Medicaid, but Missouri is a bad place to do that and they messed with me. I am now waiting on them where I am for it again.
    5. I also am sharing this because I wish to let you a bit more in on my life. I struggle with mental stuff. I am a very strong person, but depression from bipolar is a fight I have about 60% of days. I can also have extreme anxiety and just a little wrong thing happening on days I have either can make me want to roll up and hide in a cocoon for hours. I am strong because I really never do this. do not be down o yourself if you do do that. (We all have different temperaments and strengths.)
    6. I said #5 above to lead into # 6 : I really believe that if I had been married to a real gentlemen with a give and take relationship. More as a team and having mercy, grace and love for each others nuances and interests with working together, my mental stuff would have been very minor compared to how it developed with a furious and angry man I lived under.

    Now, you may not know what I am really talking about if you do not read her post also.  http://chasingdestino.com/2014/09/10/whyistayed-whyileft/ So here is the link again.

     
  • blueribbonfair 8:02 pm on May 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , broken, crazy making, crying, depression, , jerks, , mind morass, , why do I listen to him   

    Why do I let him destroy me?!!!! Foto 4 Friday 

    Why do I let him destroy me?!!!!  Foto 4 Friday

    How I feel. I was slightly depressed already. I am trying to earn money so I can get out if it comes to this again. I am in the business of setting up 3 places I am selling on. 1/2 of it is to sell stuff I have too much of and do not want to have to relocate and have all this baggage. Clutter, though worth something. I was telling my daughter on the phone how much work it is getting going business wise and he comes in and says “Have you sold anything?”. Laughed and mocked. Added as an attachment to this,”I rest my case!” I know I am the better person and though he is strong and big: I am the jewel and he is a loser., So why does he make my mind and emotions tear up? He is a braying churlish ,boorish Jack ass!

    I tried to find a photo challenge I participate in to get “Two birds with one stone here”, but none fit. did it anyway and feel a lot better for it.

     
    • Photography Journal Blog 11:47 am on May 19, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I’m glad you know that you shouldn’t be listening to him.

      • blueribbonfair 4:22 pm on May 19, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        I did for years. I finally discovered it was verbal and mental abuse. Now I know it, but since I internalized and believed the way he treated me for so long, even if I try to repel it and really do not believe it anymore, extreme anxiety and depression slam into me like a bomb.

  • blueribbonfair 6:02 pm on June 21, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , darkness, depression, , , ,   

    What the world looks like through my eyes: 

    surreal horsescity-greyground-dropped<img ground-struggle

    Weekly Word Press Photo Challenge. Depression has laid hold on me much this week.

     
    • sustainabilitea 1:18 pm on June 23, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been battling with feelings of depression this week but you’ve certainly made something beautiful from it. I particularly like the top and bottom photos. Praying for a better week for you this week.

      janet

    • Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon 3:10 am on June 25, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      What a very IMPORTANT Blog you have!! I to suffer from depression, Panic & Agoraphobia and it’s way over due that we all SPEAK about these issues, to help Shatter the *Stigma*……I do the same on my blog, as well as about my recovery. THANKS YOU for a wonderful blog!! And I am following 🙂

      God Bless, *Author, Catherine Lyon* “Addicted To Dimes”…….

      • blueribbonfair 9:52 pm on June 26, 2013 Permalink | Reply

        Oh my yes, I have really been treated very poorly at times, even by the medical establishment. I am going over and looking at your blog.I am excited to see what you write. It is encouraging that I am not alone.

    • its-about one thing 4:04 am on June 25, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I like this post because I see hope in the midst of darkness. Nice job with the flower on the dry cracked earth. It is a very powerful statement.
      The horse is directly looking at your camera and making a connection in this photo. Great shot!
      Not every day is the same. This too shall pass with your melancholy days.

    • Whispering Insights 11:09 am on July 17, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      I nominated YOU for the Triple Bouquet Award which is The Best Moment Award, The Most Versatile Blogger Award and Sunshine Award. Congratulations!! Come on down by clicking here, http://wp.me/s3ia4v-1187 to collect your awards along with instructions on accepting said awards …which means a little bit of homework to follow said rules.

      Whispering Insights aka Oliana Kim

    • Suzanne 7:36 am on August 10, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Brilliant photo. Hope you are feeling brighter now.

      • blueribbonfair 2:44 pm on August 10, 2013 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you. I am. Just off and on bad hair days to extreme, but always a sunny day in there.

  • blueribbonfair 10:00 pm on May 31, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Chasen, , depression, , , , song lyrics   

    Drowning in Water,But finding Myself safe on the Beach. 

    Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

    So the words of this song called “Drown” impressed me as I turned on my music player.  I had gone to the inspire me link under ‘new post”  on here to get me moving on what to post today.

    Walking the beach 4 A.M. Listening to the waves as they crash upon the sand. It’s just a black sea, the moonlight, and me It’s sink or swim Drowning within you Somebody rescue me Cause I”m going against the stream……

    This reminded me of the darkness and horror of my depression life, I have dealt with since I was a teenager. I still struggle with it, but though I do go against the stream many days, I have found myself at the top of the ladder and looking over the great breaking of the water behind me from the dam’s tip.

    Sometimes it is hard to admit. Sometimes it is hard to even blog or go on any social sites and show my face. Got out in public. But then there is the view…… Of HOPE

    Hard to talk about, and so painful to discuss the black soul of hopelessness, like drowning, not being able to breath until the light breaks through.

    I had wanted to post on my mental anguishes,  once and awhile and this song’s words  just fit to lead into that.

    Image

    At the beach prior to the falling under the water.

    Image

    Beach not nears as bright.

    Image

    It Descends

    Image

    Giving up.

    Image

    Hope

    Image

    Breath and colors flood my life.

     
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