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When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. Anonymous
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.”-Kurt Vonnegut via Good Reads
Lately, I am regretting so much of my life.
” I never ever thought this could happen to me.”
That being the awesome and full of potential individual I am that I would reach a certain age and look back on what appears to be a ” wasted life.”
This is a long story and even with the ” air” running, my trailer is hot and so stifling I doubt if I can tell it all in one sitting.
But with the way I have been feeling the last couple weeks, I figured the Word Press Daily prompt here : Word Press Daily Writing Prompt, fit so aptly with all the regrets that are haunting me so I cannot breathe- even though I try to be positive-I thought like journaling, putting them out here on my blog as the notebook page would be a way to vent and gain control of the melancholia which has me in its grasp.
As I said, it is quite a long story. I want to get it going because of the prompt for today. But the heat will have me fleeing to the coolest room in the house soon.
Anyway, though I would love to do a very long post and cover all of my disappointments right now, I think I am going to make this a series. I really would like to have these posts on a schedule, but my shifting sand life with all the extraneous circumstances make it extremely hard to have any schedule at all. That coupled with my anxiety, depression and extreme sensitivity which makes me even hide from people, and even as crazy as it seems also interactions on the internet.
I really like blogging photography and short posts because I always have so much going on. I am amazed by bloggers I follow and individual blog posts I discover, how some people either type so well, unlike me or have the time to post long written out articles like this one all the time. (* I have been on Word Press today visiting blogs I follow, following up on my visitors, like and comments as well as finding prior unknown blogs that have encouraged me, awed me with beauty and expanded my horizons making me thankful.
I actually prepared a couple photos today for photo challenges I follow, which are my favorite blogs to do. They are fun and happy to do. I love photography and have learned a lot, becoming better at it-In spite of just using a cell phone- as well as playing around on photo editing spots. (Cell phone camera fits in with my “regrets”….More on that in another post.( Let’s start from birth with this sad journey.) I warn you, though, the worst of the saga comes much further on.
It is said, ” Do not cry over spilled milk.” Which is great but what if it is not only a glass or gallon but a trough -full that drowns those in its path? And the years have passed and blurred so fast, you were never able to clean any of it up and it has soaked in and ruined the ground you are standing on.
I was told I always have a choice in everything. At the time, I agreed with this counselor. But then, I thought, “Do most of those victims in the right place at the wrong time choose to be tortured, held against their will and raped chose that to happen in their lives?” Not all of life is in our control.
I said the latter to draw the conclusion that many things I umbrella under the “regret” theme I had nothing to do with, nothing I could have prevented. The main regret, though, that led to much fallout was even though, I was young and ignorant/ naive of so much in life. One major bad decision………
So let us start at the beginning. Circumstances beyond my control, no choice in the matter…. I was adopted ( My parents were wonderful and that is not the issue.) I was adopted because my mother was only 17, I do not even know if my biological dad knows I exist. And there are things that effect you in the womb I did not know then and actually back then no one knew much either. It is being discovered how pre-birth connections have a major effect on the baby. To be continued……………….
I sure miss blogging. I ended up in the hospital and put on steroids. Finally home, but still feel terrible from all the medication to keep me alive. Bad lung infections.I hate missing out on life as you are so sick you are wishing death. May is my favorite month and I missed it. It slowly moved past while my eyes were closed in unreality.
Life got in the way of posting for a few days.